I was embarrassed to admit I was a solicitor

I was embarrassed to admit I was a solicitor

This is one of those posts that most people would think and never say but here goes.

I was admitted to the roll of solicitors 7 years ago this month. Most people have big celebrations, go to the admission to the roll ceremony, get their pictures taken with all their family whilst they’re wearing the black gown etc etc.

I didn’t do any of that.

I was embarrassed.

I was exhausted.

I was already on to ‘what’s next’.

There were lots of reasons why, and I appreciated what a privileged snotty nosed little shit I sound like as I say that, I know just how many people have been desperate to get to where I was and not achieved it. I’m not trying to be an ungrateful wretch, more to share some of those feelings that most of us won’t admit, even to ourselves, that we have.

I've struggled with Imposter Syndrome my whole life... here's how I manage it

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I've struggled with Imposter Syndrome my whole life... here's how I manage it

As I write this I am listening in to my interview on 106.7fm Kennet Radio with Carolyn Luckygirl for her Feel Good Friday radio show.

I’m shaking with nerves, my heart is pounding, my face is flushed and I feel slightly sick.

Maybe that surprises you when I show up on live video, blog regularly, have been called a ‘professional provocateur’ but I still get nervous as hell showing up.

Every time I walk into an in-person event I get butterflies.
I listen again to every single podcast interview I appear on and critique myself.
I have recordings of my appearances on BBC 2, Radio 5 Live and more that are sitting in the archives because I’m still quite nervous to share them.

Why is that?
Because I have struggled with imposter syndrome my entire life and these moments in the spotlight can create a huge flare up of those imposter thoughts.

Does that mean I stop showing up?
Does it hell.

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You're doing a bloody brilliant job... keep going!

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You're doing a bloody brilliant job... keep going!

If I could scream just one message right into your face each day it would be this one - you’re doing a bloody brilliant job… keep going!

Sure, it doesn’t feel like it, oh, most of the time.

That’s because you’re a perfectionist type A hopeless overachiever who wants to make sure everyone and everything is perfect before you take a break and you are way too hard on yourself.

Once more for the people at the back - YOU ARE WAY TOO HARD ON YOURSELF!!

Ok, we know each other pretty well by now so can I be honest with you?

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Struggle, depression and work.

Looking at phone.jpg

This month has been tough for me and for business.

I joked about August being the month of tumbleweeds and empty purses but for me this year it's also been the month of big changes and life readjustments, trying to pull off big projects, followed by a full blown, clouds rolling in #depression and #grief blow up.

There, I gave it a label even though I'd resisted it. We don't talk about grief and depression openly and how are you supposed to help people when you're struggling yourself (oh hello my old friend #impostersyndrome).

Here's what I know. The work I do is as a result of years of struggle and even feeling as crappy as I do and have done the past couple of weeks, I am in a much better place with the knowledge I have about my own patterns, the tools that I have and the fact that I talk about it now.

I don't believe that anxiety or depression are weaknesses or that they devalue my knowledge, experience and expertise.

But I do know that they make me averse to leaving the house, spotty in communication and reduce my working speed by about half. Which is made worse when you're self-employed!

I know that this is situational, I know that I will bounce back. I would also feel like a fraud if I didn't talk about it.

Even as I write this I'm cringing, wondering just how many people will disconnect or decide they won't work with me as a result of this. I choose to believe that honesty and transparency make me a better mentor and trainer, because I've been in the trenches and, right now at least, I'm back there for a short spell.

I am not sharing this to be a martyr. It's simply where I am right now.

I love what I do. Sharing with this level of honesty does not come easy after years of trying to hide, fit in, pretend I was ok when I wasn't.

If you are going through a period of searching, feeling down or lost, struggling or even just feeling like 'is this it?' then please know you are not alone. Even with every tool I know, sometimes I get swept off my feet by circumstance and my own medical predisposition.

Don't make your mental health mean something about who you are, it just is, like a freckle or that weird toenail. It might not be something you love, but it is a part of you and you can do many things to help improve it and make it work for you.

If you've been thinking about working with me or would like to support the work I do, your help and support would be greatly appreciated, and I'll drop the link to my current offers below

PS Reading this back I also want to add - if you've subscribed to the belief that depression means you're automatically unable to function, then for the most part you're wrong. Sure, some of us end up sitting and crying and unable to pull on our pants. But there are so many people around you who are experiencing depression and still show up to work, still smile and still function, it's just more difficult and takes a lot more energy.

PPS You can access my courses and 1:1 work here: https://searchingforserenity.vipmembervault.com/teaser

Or if you love what I do and read my blogs regularly, feel free to send me a virtual gin to keep my work flowing http://bit.ly/Buyleahgin


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