This was difficult to see on my Facebook ‘on this day’ today.
This post, this day, was one of the proudest moments in my legal career. My first ever magazine article published, first of many.
This magazine gig led to me contributing to the Solicitor’s Journal, a Law Society magazine piece, my first ever contribution to a book.
The week before this I had travelled to Manchester to speak at the APIL conference, in front of so many people more qualified and experienced than me, including Lynne Bradey, the lawyer who literally wrote the book on paying for care.
This was also my week from hell.
This was the Monday. The next day I would leave home at 5.30am and not get home until midnight. On the Thursday I left the office around 9pm, all to ‘allow’ myself a single day off.
Oh, and the Thursday was mine and my partner’s anniversary and I *worked through it*.
All to take a single day off work.
On the Friday the police arrived at my door to inform me that my mum had been found dead at home that morning.
Even before I lost my mum at a stupidly young age, I was driving myself into the ground.
And I want to be clear. It was me.
It would be so easy to blame a work-hard play-hard culture or targets or some other crap but it would be an excuse, and a poor one at that. My colleagues were the best, I worked in a brilliant team, just being around them elevated my work.
I was driving myself into the ground.
I didn’t feel good enough, smart enough, quick enough.
Being called an expert, speaking to people so much more qualified and experienced than me, left me feeling shaken and unsure of how I could live up to the title.
Imposter syndrome a mile wide.
Negative self talk so intense it would shock any reasonable person.
And feeling like, as always, it was my fault.
I am so grateful for the wake up call I received that week.
It took me a long time to listen, to truly wake up, and I’m still learning.
But if any of this rings a bell for you, know that you’re not alone. There are many, many women who are struggling with low self worth, low self image, and they often appear to be the most capable and confident.
Because that’s what we do; put on a brave face and keep going, for fear of what will happen when we fall apart.
If this touches you in any way and you would like to know more about how to change your mindset to support yourself, to believe in yourself, to be more effective at your job and to love your life and career again, message me