Prolific. It’s a word that terrifies me.
I laugh at people who refrain from using swear words, who say it’s unprofessional or uncouth.
‘It’s just a plain Anglo-Saxon term’ I snigger. ‘It’s just a word, don’t be so silly’
But the thought of being prolific terrifies me.
I’ve been reading this morning and getting so fired up, so ready to rock the entire professional world, that I immediately felt the need to shrink back down.
Up came the old beliefs and speeches, echoed back through my history
‘Who are you to do that’
‘Who do you think you are, you’re nobody’
‘You don’t deserve support, you don’t deserve protection, you don’t deserve love’
‘You’re nothing more than a child with an overactive imagination’
You know the ‘f’ word that terrifies me more than any use of the word ‘fuck’ could?
Fame.
I’ve straight denied for years now that I want to be ‘famous’ in any way, shape or form.
Fame is something for vapid people, for the Kardashians or the Trumps of this world, right?
Except.
Maybe it’s just a concept that isn’t worthy of this much hate and condemnation.
It happened again yesterday, someone used the word ‘fame’ and I was so upset, so hurt and ashamed, that I fled (an f-word that I’ve employed far too often).
Fame has never meant good things to me.
It your fame precedes you it means they hate you.
Infamy, infamy, they’ve all got it in for me.
And rightly so too because who am I to not take bullshit?
Who am I to say no?
Who am I to keep showing up when people call me a bitch or a fraud or a snowflake or an asshole.
It’s easy to say ‘fuck you, I don’t care’ but that’s not true. I care deeply, as do you. It hurts to be laughed at, sneered at, looked down upon.
My client once told me that she didn’t care what the people around her thought of her, she just wanted the work done and I outright laughed and called her a liar.
We want to be liked.
We want to be loved.
We want to be admired.
We want to be safe.
And it’s not possible to do it whilst we’re prolific, or famous, or a known trouble maker.
It’s not that we don’t care.
We do, deeply.
It hurts, greatly.
It’s that we believe that the prize is worth the pain.
But what if it didn’t have to be?
What if we didn’t have to go through trial by fire in order to be worthy of great things?
That’s scary, isn’t it?
You mean I could achieve, without all this suffering?
But how would I know I was good enough?
How would I have earned it?
How would I be virtuous?
For every bad girl out there who tells you she doesn’t care what people think, that she was born to disrupt, that she will up-end the status quo and fuck anyone who tries to stop her... is good girl waiting to be loved, wanting to fit in and not knowing how.
That’s the story that we’ve been told, right? The leather jacket wearing, heavy kohl’s-eyes bad girl just waiting to be loved, ready to switch her jacket for a twin set and pearls and for an appropriate pale pink lip gloss.
Either or either or either or.
We’re not allowed both.
If we want to be fierce AND loving, prolific AND down to earth, famous AND fantastic, then we’re asking too much, stepping too far outside the boundaries of the measly space given to us.
I’m sick of the story.
I want to be prolific and well-off and down to earth as fuck, famous for doing what I do well and I don’t want to choose.
Why should I?
Why should everything good on the menu come with a side of spinach to make us humble?
Struggle is easy.
But I want more.
How about you?
PS FINAL DAY!
Sunday 13th October, 12-5pm, central Birmingham. You do not want to miss the next Serenity Social - a small group in-person training event done the way training should be done.
No powerpoints or prepared scripts. Just you, me and less than a dozen other people showing up fully for the topics of Resilience and Happiness.
Beautiful food and drink provided, a gorgeous private space and plenty of 1 on 1 support in amongst group training and discussion.
You will leave the day feeling more energised, inspired and ready and able to make truly sustainable change than you knew you could!
Today is the final day to spread the cost over 3 months (because I know that summer holidays can be a bugger on the financial front sometimes) click the link in the comments below to reserve your place for just £15